"My mother is ruining my wedding!"
As a wedding author, I receive thousands of letters from brides and their families all over the world, and the most common complaint is that brides and their moms clash over the planning of the wedding. Sometimes, it's just a minor skirmish that requires a cooling-off period, and other times it's all-out war that stops the formerly loving duo from even speaking to one another. Some mothers threaten to boycott their daughters' weddings.
What would bring two women to this kind of conflict? Why does a happy occasion such as a wedding bring out the worst in some people? And what would make a mother boycott her little girl's wedding?
Weddings are emotional events, big life transitions that affect not only the couple who are joining their lives together, but everyone around them. If your daughter is getting married, you're probably feeling many more emotions than just excitement for her. There's also fear. Fear of losing your little girl. Sadness. Sadness that her growing older means you're growing older. Anxiety. You're feeling anxious over the details of the wedding, what you'll wear, maybe whether your ex-husband is planning to bring that little blonde chippy from his office to the wedding as his date.
Weddings can create a type of chaos in our lives, and the first things to suffer are our relationships with the people we love the most. It's a universal phenomenon, seen all over the country and the world to varying degrees. You've probably heard horror stories of such mothers who do boycott the wedding just because the wording wasn't "right" on the invitations. Another mother slipped the ceremony pianist some sheet music that she wanted to hear at the wedding, and the bride walked down the aisle to a song that she not only hated, but that reminded her of a previous boyfriend! Are these mothers insane? No. Just a bit self-centered and out-of-focus.
You can be a great mom and still lose your sense of purpose during the planning of your daughter's wedding. It happens to the best of them. You may have nothing but good intentions deep within as you make decisions or requests for the wedding, but the root of all Mother-Daughter Wedding Evil is not directing your good intentions to the bride and groom.
The saddest thing I ever heard a recent bride say was "I've lost all respect for my mother after the way she behaved all through the wedding planning time. I never knew she could be so selfish. We'll never have a good relationship again." Just grab your heart right now. Would you ever want your daughter to feel that way about you? Over something as simple as the color of the tablecloths, the choice of favors, or the music during the ceremony?
Knowing that weddings stir up underlying issues and intensify family dynamics for anyone, causing the kind of behavior that does injure if not ruin close family ties, I've put together the following rules to help you stay on the right track as you help your daughter plan her wedding:
1. Remember, it's HER wedding.
You've already had your shot at planning a wedding, your own. I know, years ago when you were married, it was custom that your parents paid for it and therefore had a lot of say in how the plans were arranged. You may have had little money, you may have been young, and the wedding you had may not have been the wedding of your dreams. Your daughter's wedding is not your turn to run the show, even if you are paying for the wedding itself! How many times have you already said, "I'm paying for this, so we'll do it my way!" If you haven't uttered those words, congratulations! You're in the minority. If you have, it's time to grab a reality check and remember where your loyalties lie. This is your daughter's wedding. She's had dreams and visions of what she wants for her Big Day for years, and the best mothers and fathers help her to create her Dream Come True. The best mothers and fathers remember whose day it really is.
2. "But what will people say?"
Even if you don't come right out and say this, isn't it somewhere in the back of your mind that your aunts, cousins, and friends would certainly disapprove of the bride not wearing a white gown or a veil? Aren't you thinking about how the guests will feel about dancing to the songs on the bride and groom's play list? This is a big clash issue between most mothers and daughters, since the brides can see that their mothers care more about what other people will think about the wedding than what the bride wants. You've been telling your children for years, "It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you." Now, take your own advice and forget about what others will think. The bride doesn't need the pressure of pleasing you and everyone else on your list when her whole life is about to change.
3. Make your requests with respect.
Bull-dozing. Steam-rolling. Bossing around. None of these work when it comes to steering some wedding element your way. If you approach the bride with respect, and at a good time, you can make a suggestion that the bride might agree upon. No one wants to be bullied, and no one wants to be manipulated. A stressed bride may be oversensitive to all of the requests made by others, and she'll be more likely to hear your request if you pose it the right way.
4. Think about how you want your daughter to view you.
I still have goose-bumps over that quote from the bride who has lost respect for her mother. The most important thing throughout all of the planning is to ask yourself, "What kind of mother do I want to be? How do I want my daughter to think about me when she thinks back on this time." Stop, take a breath, and make your decisions from a place of love instead of a place of pressure. This busy time can improve your relationship with your daughter, or it can tear you apart. It's up to you.
5. Keep the bigger picture in mind.
Too many mothers get lost in the minutae of the wedding plans. How many printed napkins to order, what kind of wine to serve at the cocktail party, where to set up the gift table, what kind of font to use on the invitations. If you focus your gaze on just these to-do items, then you miss the bigger picture of what the whole event is about. Your daughter is getting married to the love of her life. And it will happen, even if the blush pink roses are actually more of a rose pink, even if the caterer forgets the artichoke dip. Think more of the symbolism and meaning of the day than the accoutrements.
6. Handle yourself with care.
This is a stressful time for you. You're about to go through a big change, and planning a wedding is no easy feat. There's an old saying: "If Mom's not happy, nobody's happy." Taking your stress and frustration out on others is a terrible thing, especially when your sour mood infects the whole joyous event. So, step away from the role of wedding planner now and then, attend to your spiritual, mental, and physical health, and recharge so that you're a more effective you. Journal your thoughts, soak in a tub, spray some lavender on your wrists, and just float through the process. Remember to enjoy every aspect of the wedding, and encourage the bride to handle herself with care as well.
This isn't just a wedding you're planning. This is a tryout for the type of mother you'll be to a grown, married woman and your new son-in-law. Just breathe. And be the kind of mother you really want to be. The rest will take care of itself. What lasts is the memories you share with the bride. Make them good ones.
Sharon Naylor is the author of over 30 wedding planning books and is the Q&A specialist at NJWedding.com. Sharon will answer any wedding-related questions at www.njwedding.com/expertadvice. She is a resident of Madison, New Jersey. To view and purchase any of Sharon's helpful books, click here to visit the NJWedding.com WedStore!
