The only way to keep your wedding expenses from spinning out of control, and landing you deep in debt after the Big Day, is to create a realistic budget for every element of your plans. Sticking to a budget is never fun, in life or with a wedding, but you can take the sting out of controlling your expenditures by taking these smart first steps in setting up a budget that will work for youinstead of against you. If you begin with outdated guesses at what things will cost, you'll set yourself up for frustration and a very unpleasant planning experience. And brides and grooms who work with their parents to pay for the wedding say that conveying the numbers to them makes it all the harder. Parents don't realize just how much catering and photography costs these days, so communicating what will be needed is very important.

Add in the fact that you're going to be emotional about many of your wishes for the wedding day, the idea that 'this is once in a lifetime,' and you're in great danger of overspending. So start your process with these top tips:

1. Make your priority list. Write down what's most important to you, such as the catering or a designer wedding gown, the flowers, a great photographer. Those categories are going to be where you'll devote a greater part of your available budget, since they are vital parts of your dream wedding. When you find ways to save on other facets of your plans, you can shift some of your extra money to these areas.
2. Make a list of what you don't want. No ice sculpture. No 12-piece band. No custom, engraved invitations. These items are removed from your budget list, as well as things that you can get for free, such as the use of a friend's convertible or a relative's beach house as the wedding site. Now your budget chart is starting to take shape.
3. Research what things cost. Never mind what you hear from friends about what they spent, since everyone is finding a wide range of deals and packages depending on the time of year and the reception hall where they hold their wedding, if they had a wedding coordinator, or if they made some bad choices. Other people's numbers aren't going to help you right now. (Their suggestions for good vendors will help you, though, so referrals are a smart move!) Invest the time in scheduling free consultations with lots of wedding vendors to talk about your needs and find out the true costs of their wedding packages, including what's included and what's extra. There are no shortcuts to this step, so take your time, locate and consider several experts in each category, and get a feel for what the going rates are.
4. Use a chart or spreadsheet to create your own personal budget plans. List all of the elements you'll need, such as catering, bar, cake, photography, videography, limousines, and so on. Don't forget to add in amounts for tipping and taxes, the two most often forgotten elements of a wedding budget. They can add up. Next to each item, create a code for where they stand on your priority list. It might be 5-stars for your top priorities, and 2-stars for things you want but will get at lower prices, 1-star for things you can do without.
5. Next, talk to your parents to decide who is going to pay for what, which you can only discuss realistically when you've done your homework and can tell them that the photographer's package is $2,000 for the basic plan and $4,000 for the plan you want. Parents need to know what they're getting into so that their promises now will be delivered later. Divide up the items on your budget list according to who's taking on which portions of the plans, and then find ways to get the best product or service for less. You'll share that information with your generous parents or family friends who are helping you with the wedding.
6. Be flexible. Things are going to cost more than you expect, and there are almost always additional things that will get added to your plans as you go along. So use that priority list to shift some funds away from your 1- and 2-star items to devote to that new expenditure you just discovered. When you shift like this, you avoid moving beyond your budget and going overboard.
7. Make it a game, not a burden. Your budget may be holding you back, but once you create the mindset of celebrating whenever you find a smart way to beat your expected price by $200, the budget then becomes something that you can control. Always look for the positives, and keep your perspective that your wedding is about joining your lives together forever, not purely about the money. That reduces stress and reminds you of the larger value of these expenses. When you can look at your budget chart and see how well you're doing, that creates momentum for your next tasks at hand.
8. If parents start sliding outside of their allowed budget, encourage them to find ways to save on their planning tasks. Go with them to craft stores to see what you can make rather than buy new, share your favorite online resources with them, and get them to 'play' at beating their budget estimates. 1000 Best Wedding Bargains is a book that can be shared with your entire planning team, with insider advice on how to get more wedding for less money, even how to get things for free or avoid paying for extras that could be negotiated out of packages and contracts.
9. If you have to boost your budget total, finding that your original estimates were just too low and unrealistic, don't consider it a failure. Few brides and grooms are in the events industry, so the expenses come as a surprise to most. Prepare your parents at the start of the process that you expect this initial figure to be a conservative estimate, and that you've been advised that a late cash infusion is often necessary. So don't be surprised if a few thousand more dollars will be needed later. You're doing your best to keep expenses down, but it's not a secret that weddings are expensive. When you pre-empt future money requests, it is a little bit easier.
10. Don't count on future wedding gifts. Too many brides and grooms get themselves in hot water when they spend lavishly on their weddings, expecting to make it up, -- and profit ­ through weddings gifts of cash. Never count on future gifts like this as a justification of raising your wedding budget. It almost never pans out.

Creating a smart and flexible wedding budget is a team effort, so work on it together and with your families, with you at the helm of the master spreadsheet. Organization is a big key to spending less, since you'll have those contracts on hand to show a vendor that you did indeed pay $1,000 for your deposit. When you feel in control of the plans and expenses, you eliminate much of the fear that causes wedding stress and arguments. Just work with what you have, be grateful that you have what others can give, and enjoy the importance of the day.

Sharon Naylor is the author of over 30 wedding planning books and is the Q&A specialist at NJWedding.com. Sharon will answer any wedding-related questions at www.njwedding.com/expertadvice. She is a resident of Morristown, New Jersey. To view and purchase any of Sharon's helpful books, click here to visit the NJWedding.com WedStore!